So much for french homework

• i need to just rant
• not even rant
• ramble
• there's so much going on in my head
• yet nothing at all
  • i don't understand how a head can be so occupied but so...thoughtless all at once
  • i was just playing with makeup because i really don't want to work on my homework
  • every time i try to put it on, i look like a zombie
  • how the hell do people do eye shadow?
  • obviously that means i'm going with colors that are too dark for me
  • but if i go with lighter colors, i look like a cancer patient
  • so then i settle for no color
  • but then my eyes look translucent
  • eyelids, i should say
    • and then i was brushing my hair
    • and i kept finding gray hairs
    • so not only can i not do makeup, but i'm also getting old
    • i just dyed my hair not that long ago
    • the gray shouldn't be showing through yet
    • and my hair looks like shit when it's brushed
    • so i either have my hair pulled back or i don't brush my hair at all
    • and when i don't brush my hair at all, there's absolutely zero predictability to it
    • some days it looks great
    • other days it looks like i got shit on
    • my eyebrows are all sorts of crazy right now
    • i don't know if it's how i'm sleeping or what
    • but the hairs are curling like crazy and sticking out and it's driving me insane
    • because i want to pull them out to teach them a lesson
    • but then i get bald spots
    • so i settle with crazy eyebrows
    • which will hopefully calm down eventually
    • but i was trying to figure out how to make myself look older
    • because i always look far too young
    • is there something i can do makeup wise to make myself look more mature?
    • i'm trying to snag this guy who i've never even talked to (sister's teacher)
    • what sort of girl does he go for?
    • does he have a girl?
    • would i even like him if i ever got the chance to talk to him?
    • today was his birthday and he turned 27
    • so he's 6 years older than i am
    • which really isn't that bad
    • my parents are 6.5 years apart
    • and they're just fine
    • but then i started thinking about the whole "do i even like guys at all or has society just pounded this idea into my head?"
    • so i started thinking about when i first liked guys, was it something that was natural or was it told to me over and over?
    • is hetero or homo sexuality a choice, or is it genetics?
    • i think, the more i contemplate it, it's a choice
    • because yes, something within you may be telling you that you like your own sex more than the opposite sex
    • but isn't that a choice to listen to it or not?
    • you may think that you like the opposite sex, therefore making that choice, but really you're wired to like your own sex
    • the whole debate makes absolutely no sense to me the more i contemplate it
    • because what is attractive about men?
    • i, for one, don't strip men with my eyes when i'm looking at them
    • i don't think of them as sex objects
    • i don't think of sleeping with them in the most literal translation of that phrase as is possible
    • i think of people as people
    • i'm attracted to personalities, not bodies
    • the bodies help
    • but the personalities are what really gets you
    • so would it be possible for me to like a lady?
    • maybe
    • i don't know
    • it hasn't happened yet
    • i'm losing interest in men (other than simba)
    • but that doesn't mean that i AM interested in women
    • it just means that i'm starting to view everyone as a friend
    • and that's where i get really confused
    • because what guy in their right mind would want to date a girl who doesn't want to have sex
    • who doesn't want to cuddle
    • who doesn't want to hold hands
    • who wants to be in love, but not necessarily declare it
    • no guy.
    • even simba wants a relationship
    • not just a best friend
      • every guy wants some sort of physical component
      • which is when i start to think whether i would be interested in dating women instead
      • but at the same time, no, because vaginas are not any more enticing to me than penises
      • that sounds gross
      • but really
      • not at all
      • i just don't know what i want out of life
      • but i know exactly what i want
      • all at the same time
      • i need someone super religious
      • who isn't going to want to be physical
      • but at the same time
      • i don't want to have to deal with their religious mindset
      • in which case i need someone who is an atheist
      • but they're always going to be interested in sex
      • i'm not heterosexual
      • i'm not homosexual
      • i'm asexual.
      • so much for french homework.
      • (end rant.)