Fully aware of the fact that we have never met, I must first address our future (far, far away as it may be.) We will spend it joyously, watching our children whip our grandchildren as they disobey them for the millionth time. We will take great pride in raising our offspring with such militaristic mindsets (nothing makes me happier than this, you will tell me over and over.) "But," you will tell me, "I hate to watch them cry. We should cease this activity in the quickest way possible." I will walk to the barn, just east of the scolding, and fashion one of our 23 pygmy goats with a leash. As Rowan (the goat) and I promenade through the yard, you will sing a song, carrying melodies only the great Eddie Money could dream into existence. At once, our grandchildren will behave, and all shall be merry again around the dinner table (set with cold apple pie, pecan pie, steak, potatoes, and other tasty treats.)
Looking back from this point, however, perhaps I should introduce myself. I am nobody, yet everybody you will ever wish to meet. I am like you, only slightly less Canadian (eh?), not as artistic (my historical characters could never hope to compete with what you create), and lacking in the lady parts. I am, your future husband.
Convincing you of this matter means little to me, as of now, for I have traveled to the future. I have seen that we reside together in a small log cabin (which I cleverly crafted by hand. Thank me later with sexual acts.) We have goats, giant donkeys, and mules (thank me later with sexual acts.) We make love regularly (thank me now with sexual acts.) We complain about growing old, while silently, we look forward to the grumpiness accompanied with age. We bicker, we fight, we cook, we smile, we laugh; you tell jokes, I tell lame stories with no point. Our existence is important only within the confines of the cabin (did I mention I publicly humiliate you into destroying your entire comic business? Minor detail, of course.)
There is, as I have hinted at, no escaping. You have 24 hours to reply to this confession of love. If you reply with a "yes" to my question of marriage, I will greet you on donkey, carrying you away into the rain. If you reply with a "no," I will greet you on mule, being sure he kicks you, but nonetheless, taking you as my own. If you choose to not reply, I will greet you on the backs of 17 pygmy goats (I'm quite clever at my ability to harness them together and create a sort of pygmy walking carpet) (did someone say "skills"?) You have no choice.
Pleasure to finally be talking to you. Pack quickly.
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
So much for french homework
- i need to just rant
- not even rant
- ramble
- there's so much going on in my head
- yet nothing at all
- i don't understand how a head can be so occupied but so...thoughtless all at once
- i was just playing with makeup because i really don't want to work on my homework
- every time i try to put it on, i look like a zombie
- how the hell do people do eye shadow?
- obviously that means i'm going with colors that are too dark for me
- but if i go with lighter colors, i look like a cancer patient
- so then i settle for no color
- but then my eyes look translucent
- eyelids, i should say
- and then i was brushing my hair
- and i kept finding gray hairs
- so not only can i not do makeup, but i'm also getting old
- i just dyed my hair not that long ago
- the gray shouldn't be showing through yet
- and my hair looks like shit when it's brushed
- so i either have my hair pulled back or i don't brush my hair at all
- and when i don't brush my hair at all, there's absolutely zero predictability to it
- some days it looks great
- other days it looks like i got shit on
- my eyebrows are all sorts of crazy right now
- i don't know if it's how i'm sleeping or what
- but the hairs are curling like crazy and sticking out and it's driving me insane
- because i want to pull them out to teach them a lesson
- but then i get bald spots
- so i settle with crazy eyebrows
- which will hopefully calm down eventually
- but i was trying to figure out how to make myself look older
- because i always look far too young
- is there something i can do makeup wise to make myself look more mature?
- i'm trying to snag this guy who i've never even talked to (sister's teacher)
- what sort of girl does he go for?
- does he have a girl?
- would i even like him if i ever got the chance to talk to him?
- today was his birthday and he turned 27
- so he's 6 years older than i am
- which really isn't that bad
- my parents are 6.5 years apart
- and they're just fine
- but then i started thinking about the whole "do i even like guys at all or has society just pounded this idea into my head?"
- so i started thinking about when i first liked guys, was it something that was natural or was it told to me over and over?
- is hetero or homo sexuality a choice, or is it genetics?
- i think, the more i contemplate it, it's a choice
- because yes, something within you may be telling you that you like your own sex more than the opposite sex
- but isn't that a choice to listen to it or not?
- you may think that you like the opposite sex, therefore making that choice, but really you're wired to like your own sex
- the whole debate makes absolutely no sense to me the more i contemplate it
- because what is attractive about men?
- i, for one, don't strip men with my eyes when i'm looking at them
- i don't think of them as sex objects
- i don't think of sleeping with them in the most literal translation of that phrase as is possible
- i think of people as people
- i'm attracted to personalities, not bodies
- the bodies help
- but the personalities are what really gets you
- so would it be possible for me to like a lady?
- maybe
- i don't know
- it hasn't happened yet
- i'm losing interest in men (other than simba)
- but that doesn't mean that i AM interested in women
- it just means that i'm starting to view everyone as a friend
- and that's where i get really confused
- because what guy in their right mind would want to date a girl who doesn't want to have sex
- who doesn't want to cuddle
- who doesn't want to hold hands
- who wants to be in love, but not necessarily declare it
- no guy.
- even simba wants a relationship
- not just a best friend
- every guy wants some sort of physical component
- which is when i start to think whether i would be interested in dating women instead
- but at the same time, no, because vaginas are not any more enticing to me than penises
- that sounds gross
- but really
- not at all
- i just don't know what i want out of life
- but i know exactly what i want
- all at the same time
- i need someone super religious
- who isn't going to want to be physical
- but at the same time
- i don't want to have to deal with their religious mindset
- in which case i need someone who is an atheist
- but they're always going to be interested in sex
- i'm not heterosexual
- i'm not homosexual
- i'm asexual.
- so much for french homework.
- (end rant.)
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