And three different blogs to accompany those three titles. Rather than start and stop and start and stop and start and publish like normal, I just started and erased and started and erased and started and (hopefully) published. Published. Ha! As if someone really proofreads what I write and make public to the internet and its readers. What does it mean to be published online anymore? Can I call this being published? I think not.
But perhaps I'm wrong. I frequently am. Except when arguing. #alwaysright
Confession:
That Justin Timberlake/Jimmy Fallon video that everyone was plastering all over Facebook about speaking in hashtags being absolutely ridiculous...I didn't find it ridiculous. Possibly because I do talk in hashtags. So much so, actually, that last fall I was banned from saying "hashtag" in the house. I had to say "mashed potato" instead.
For example (Hermione voices, people):
"Oh my god. That ice cream was so delicious. Hashtag I'm getting fat" #imgettingfat
now turns into
"Oh my god. That ice cream was so delicious. Mashed potato I'm getting fat" (potatoes that are mashed)imgettingfat
Or in the morning when heating up some bread
"Mashed potato hungry. Mashed potato making toast. Mashed potato where's the butter?"
Thankfully that ship has sailed and my oral hashtagging has calmed significantly. Do you hashtag in real life? Is this a normal thing to do?
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Leaving for Disney in 8 days! Huzzah!!! Heading out once Joe gets out of class around 6pm. DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE. Playing in the parks for a few days AND THEN OFF TO MY NEW WORK LOCATION. I'm excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Sick to my stomach. I'm actually super pumped about working at the Grand Floridian, but the fact that my work location, yet again, has a 40% deal to cast members kind of makes me nervous. Is it really that unpopular that they have to drag people in with a 40% price tag? Maybe I should check it out if it's 40% off at dinner... Cannot wait for food sampling during orientations!!! #imgettingfat (potatoes that are mashed)imgettingfat
Pump some pumpkin spice latte into my blood stream because
IT'S OCTOBER, WOODCHUCK CHUCKERS!
[bleep] yes!
That one was for you, Cora.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Things I Wish I Could Start Over
1. Toenail growth.
Not that I have really bad toenail fungus or that my toenails are going to stab someone's eye out (why are your eyes that close to my toes to begin with? did you put your face by my feet or are my feet by your face? do you deserve to have your eyes stabbed out with my toenails?) but really. My toenails are not in the best of shape. For pete's sake! One of them grows at such an angle upward that I regularly find holes in my socks AND EVEN MY SHOES because it's just ripping right through the material. No other toe does this. Please. Can't we just call it a draw and start over on this whole growing thing? You're really not doing me any favors by not being perfectly beautiful.
2. Hairbrushing methods.
A few of you who are quite close to me (or maybe just casual observers of my life who noticed the long-term effects of my habit) will know that this weekend I purchased a hair brush. I ceased hairbrushing practices in October 2004 when I chopped off a good majority of my hair and just never took it back. In the past almost 9 years since this glorious (fatal?) event, I have probably brushed my hair less than 50 times. Total. Let's look at the number breakdown.
9 years. 2012 was a leap year, as was 2008. 365 x 7 = 2555. 366 x 2 =732. 2555 + 732 = 3287. Take off about 2 months for the time between (even though we're in September and hair was chopped in October, we're at the beginning of the month and this occurred at the end of October. We'll give me the benefit of a doubt.) 3287 - 61 (again, being generous) = 3226. If I brushed my hair about 50 times between this haircut and now, I average a hairbrushing rate of about once every 64.5 days.
That's not a lot.
I saw something on Pinterest the other day--which obviously means it was true. Pinterest never lies--that said if you brush your hair regularly, it stimulates growth. Something about the constant movement of oils from the root of the hair to the end, something something. Basically it makes your hair nicer. Or you can just pay for keratin treatments. OR! Buy fancy keratin shampoo! I'm experimenting with this currently. Had straight hair without having to use the straightener. I love! Not sure about the grease levels quite just yet though. Hmph.
3. Athletics.
Yeah, I know. I should've been active all of my life. Blah blah. Why did I not push myself more athletically in elementary school? Middle school? High school? NOW? In elementary school, I remember thinking I was successful if I had a mile time of less than 20 minutes. I. Did. Not. Run. Ever. Walking a mile doesn't even take 20 minutes. How did I accomplish this? Was I really that lazy? Or was Penn Forest's "mile" far more than a mile? Music sort of got in the way of being athletically inclined when I got older ("Do you want to do harp or volleyball?" "harp." welcome to being lazy for life, Hannah. You'll love eating here.)
4. The beginning of college.
Why did I think I wanted to go into biology education? Or elementary education? Or math education?! Was I insane?!?!?! I could have taken so many more awesome classes if I had decided on communication studies earlier on in my college career. And I would have hopefully cared more about what I had been doing in those classes. I wish I had put forth more effort in my classes at the beginning of college. Can't change that now, obviously (Marty McFly WHERE ARE YOU?) but what a novel thought. "Hey, you." "Me?" "Yeah, freshman Hannah. This is super-senior Hannah. Stop wasting your time in education-related courses. You want to do comm. studies. Trust me. Go with it." "Okayyyy..." "GO FORTH!!" "...and multiply?" "I SAID NO MATH" I'd probably be really mean to my past self. Maybe eventually I'll have the opportunity to do this. But at that point, maybe I wouldn't have to go back to my past self because perhaps at the exact point I tell her to try harder, my current self would disappear. One day, nay, one moment, can change your life path forever. Don't mess with these things!
5. My want as a small child to wear glasses.
Who am I kidding? I still love wearing glasses. You go, little Hannah! You know what's stylish!
6. How I Met Your Mother.
I wish I'd never started watching it until it was already over. I wish I had discovered it years after it'd lost popularity. Lo! This show is fantabulous! I must spread this to the world! "It's already been declared. You're 10 years too late" *okay*
Yeah. Make it happen.
Not that I have really bad toenail fungus or that my toenails are going to stab someone's eye out (why are your eyes that close to my toes to begin with? did you put your face by my feet or are my feet by your face? do you deserve to have your eyes stabbed out with my toenails?) but really. My toenails are not in the best of shape. For pete's sake! One of them grows at such an angle upward that I regularly find holes in my socks AND EVEN MY SHOES because it's just ripping right through the material. No other toe does this. Please. Can't we just call it a draw and start over on this whole growing thing? You're really not doing me any favors by not being perfectly beautiful.
2. Hairbrushing methods.
A few of you who are quite close to me (or maybe just casual observers of my life who noticed the long-term effects of my habit) will know that this weekend I purchased a hair brush. I ceased hairbrushing practices in October 2004 when I chopped off a good majority of my hair and just never took it back. In the past almost 9 years since this glorious (fatal?) event, I have probably brushed my hair less than 50 times. Total. Let's look at the number breakdown.
9 years. 2012 was a leap year, as was 2008. 365 x 7 = 2555. 366 x 2 =732. 2555 + 732 = 3287. Take off about 2 months for the time between (even though we're in September and hair was chopped in October, we're at the beginning of the month and this occurred at the end of October. We'll give me the benefit of a doubt.) 3287 - 61 (again, being generous) = 3226. If I brushed my hair about 50 times between this haircut and now, I average a hairbrushing rate of about once every 64.5 days.
That's not a lot.
I saw something on Pinterest the other day--which obviously means it was true. Pinterest never lies--that said if you brush your hair regularly, it stimulates growth. Something about the constant movement of oils from the root of the hair to the end, something something. Basically it makes your hair nicer. Or you can just pay for keratin treatments. OR! Buy fancy keratin shampoo! I'm experimenting with this currently. Had straight hair without having to use the straightener. I love! Not sure about the grease levels quite just yet though. Hmph.
3. Athletics.
Yeah, I know. I should've been active all of my life. Blah blah. Why did I not push myself more athletically in elementary school? Middle school? High school? NOW? In elementary school, I remember thinking I was successful if I had a mile time of less than 20 minutes. I. Did. Not. Run. Ever. Walking a mile doesn't even take 20 minutes. How did I accomplish this? Was I really that lazy? Or was Penn Forest's "mile" far more than a mile? Music sort of got in the way of being athletically inclined when I got older ("Do you want to do harp or volleyball?" "harp." welcome to being lazy for life, Hannah. You'll love eating here.)
4. The beginning of college.
Why did I think I wanted to go into biology education? Or elementary education? Or math education?! Was I insane?!?!?! I could have taken so many more awesome classes if I had decided on communication studies earlier on in my college career. And I would have hopefully cared more about what I had been doing in those classes. I wish I had put forth more effort in my classes at the beginning of college. Can't change that now, obviously (Marty McFly WHERE ARE YOU?) but what a novel thought. "Hey, you." "Me?" "Yeah, freshman Hannah. This is super-senior Hannah. Stop wasting your time in education-related courses. You want to do comm. studies. Trust me. Go with it." "Okayyyy..." "GO FORTH!!" "...and multiply?" "I SAID NO MATH" I'd probably be really mean to my past self. Maybe eventually I'll have the opportunity to do this. But at that point, maybe I wouldn't have to go back to my past self because perhaps at the exact point I tell her to try harder, my current self would disappear. One day, nay, one moment, can change your life path forever. Don't mess with these things!
5. My want as a small child to wear glasses.
Who am I kidding? I still love wearing glasses. You go, little Hannah! You know what's stylish!
6. How I Met Your Mother.
I wish I'd never started watching it until it was already over. I wish I had discovered it years after it'd lost popularity. Lo! This show is fantabulous! I must spread this to the world! "It's already been declared. You're 10 years too late" *okay*
Yeah. Make it happen.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Ode to Pajamas
I walk into my room and kick off my shoes
AH!
Fresh air
The first breath my feet have had since the wee hours of the morning
Allowing them to bask in the sweetness, I lay on my bed
The dress comes off
Wait! No!
First the belt
That darn belt
Necessary for color popping
Unnecessary for everything else.
NOW the dress can come off
The final moment of decision:
Are the leggings or ARE THEY NOT part of the pajamas this evening?
Of course not!
Leggings are never part of pajamas!
What are you thinking Hannah?!
Leggings are only essential on hot days with dresses/skirts, cool days under pants, or school days when dresses/skirts are too short
You should know this by now.
I know, I know
But sometimes, you know, leggings are quite pleasant for lounging.
Hush your crazy mind
You're thinking in chaotic tones
Abandon those thoughts
Obviously lounge shorts are the ideal summer pajama wear
Tank tops
T-shirts
I live for pajamas
Pajamas, how I love thee.
Let us have pajama day
EVERY DAY.
AH!
Fresh air
The first breath my feet have had since the wee hours of the morning
Allowing them to bask in the sweetness, I lay on my bed
The dress comes off
Wait! No!
First the belt
That darn belt
Necessary for color popping
Unnecessary for everything else.
NOW the dress can come off
The final moment of decision:
Are the leggings or ARE THEY NOT part of the pajamas this evening?
Of course not!
Leggings are never part of pajamas!
What are you thinking Hannah?!
Leggings are only essential on hot days with dresses/skirts, cool days under pants, or school days when dresses/skirts are too short
You should know this by now.
I know, I know
But sometimes, you know, leggings are quite pleasant for lounging.
Hush your crazy mind
You're thinking in chaotic tones
Abandon those thoughts
Obviously lounge shorts are the ideal summer pajama wear
Tank tops
T-shirts
I live for pajamas
Pajamas, how I love thee.
Let us have pajama day
EVERY DAY.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Hair Color Rage
Admittedly, I'm being lazy today. I'm sitting on a rocking chair, holding my dog's food (I wish he would eat! Yes, Momma, he ate the first 3 scoops, but he gave hints of wanting more...apparently not really), watching television, perusing Pinterest, etc. Oh look! A commercial!
Okay. Cute? Right? Aww the husband thinks his daughter looks just like his wife. Aww the man is talking about the woman being beautiful.
I call BS.
Let's pull this apart from the multiple different flaws. 1) "Rob" doesn't know that his wife, "Kate" colors her hair. 2) Rob thinks that his daughter looks like Kate because they share a hair color. 3) Rob is a lucky guy because his wife and daughter have beautiful hair. 4) Both Kate and her daughter do not have a voice within the commercial. 5) Rob and Kate's daughter doesn't even have a name.
1) "Rob" doesn't know that his wife, "Kate" colors her hair.
In an earlier commercial following the lifestyle of this same couple, Rob tells the audience that he and Kate have been married for 15 years. They've gone through multiple moves together, new jobs--Hell! They even have a kid together now! One could say that Rob and Kate are a solid couple, a dynamic duo. Riddle me this how the man who has lived with the "love of his life" for 15 years--AT LEAST 15 years...who knows how long they were living together prior to marriage--has no clue that his wife colors her hair. Yes, the idea behind Nice'N Easy is that hair color is so easy you do it in a pinch. Yes, ideally hair color would be exactly the color of your own hair. But boxes! Gloves! Special hair color conditioner! Money! Does Rob pay attention to nothing his wife does for personal care?! Obviously they're not as close as the commercials would lead on if he's oblivious to her hair coloring habits. Not to mention, if Rob does not notice roots showing EVER, Kate has to be coloring her hair fairly regularly. Boxes are bound to be everywhere.
But maybe Kate is hiding her hair coloring secret from her husband! Why would this be necessary? Do you hide something from your significant other? I know it's a stretch, but if Rob is so in love with Kate's hair color, maybe Kate should be honest about her little secret. Clairol is encouraging wives to lie to their husbands. Good job!
2) Rob thinks that his daughter looks like Kate because they share a hair color.
Yeah, the commercial also has Rob saying that they share a walk and grin. How many different walks are there? How hard is it to mimic someone's walk? A grin is a bit more genetically related, but even still... The emphasis on the commercial is hair color. Rob and Kate's daughter share Kate's hair color. And Rob loves it! It's like his daughter is his mini-wife! Because that's not creepy! My mom and I have relatively similar hair colors: does this mean we look precisely like each other? No. No it does not.
3) Rob is a lucky guy because his wife and daughter have beautiful hair.
Beautiful fair is equal to being lucky. Not when you have beautiful hair, but when your wife has beautiful hair. Heterosexual women and homosexual men be warned--you can never be lucky. Sorry about your luckless life. Don't invest in the stock market. But in all seriousness, what about Kate and the daughter's hair makes Rob a lucky guy? His wife is beautiful, yes, but is he only a lucky guy because Kate's hair is the shade that it is? No.
4) Both Kate and her daughter do not have a voice within the commercial.
What is up with that? Any other beauty product commercial features the woman. It is the woman's opinion that matters most. Or is Clairol onto something else: we, the women, should buy beauty products because it truly is the men's opinions that matter. Behold! But then we bring up the argument of "do women wear makeup because they are competing with other women or is it to impress men?" Endless. The answer can never be found. Regardless, Kate is silent and so is her daughter. Kate's opinion of the hair dye is null and void.
5) Rob and Kate's daughter doesn't have a name.
How hard is it to name a focal point of a commercial? Choosing to keep her nameless does create the image of Kate's shadow, and while I understand that, the daughter has her own identity! She's not just a nameless nobody! She could one day grow up to be the President of the United States! She may become a Supreme Court Justice! Nameless daughter could be the first woman to land on Pluto! But because she was robbed of an identity in her commercial appearance, she will forever be known as Kate's daughter, Rob's mini-wife. She will never know her self-worth! Doomed from the beginning, this child will be nothing more than a pretty face, a hot walk, and some man-candy hair. Thank you, Clairol, for running her future and the lives of so many she could have impacted had she been given a proper name like Felicity (which really carries some weight, because let's face it, this girl is destined for greatness.)
If you were so inclined to see the first installment of the Rob/Kate romance, you can view it here:
Lo! Rob and Kate have two children. Let's not even mention the presence of the other child. Completely left behind! Feed the other child to the wolves, for all I care! FYI to Rob: I'm only 22 and I've had gray hair for years. You either started dating Kate when she was 12, or she's been coloring her hair forever. Get to know your woman...or someone else will.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
The Patriotism of Oatmeal Texture
This is me, taking the time on July 4th (Independence Day) to point out the fatal flaw in oatmeal and its various cooking methods. Let's evaluate the options:
Boiling water in a microwave without the oatmeal (best option when you have a measuring glass for liquids.) Then add to bowl of dry oatmeal. Stir. Enjoy.
Boiling water on the stove without the oatmeal (best option when you have a tea kettle ready for use.) Then add to bowl of dry oatmeal. Stir. Enjoy.
Boiling water in a microwave with the oatmeal (only option when you have neither a tea kettle nor a measuring glass for liquids.) Stir prior to putting into microwave. Stir after pulling out of microwave. Cry over how terrible the oatmeal is in this manner. Repeat the next morning.
It's like eating...maggots. Boiling the oatmeal with the water allows for minimal taste of the oatmeal (maple & brown sugar? I have no recollection of that ever happening...)
If I were able to somehow squish all of the oatmeal together into a solid ball formation, I have not a doubt in my mind that it would bounce. I am actively eating rubberized maggots. Labeled as maple & brown sugar. WHAT IS PATRIOTIC ABOUT THAT?!
Boiling water in a microwave without the oatmeal (best option when you have a measuring glass for liquids.) Then add to bowl of dry oatmeal. Stir. Enjoy.
Boiling water on the stove without the oatmeal (best option when you have a tea kettle ready for use.) Then add to bowl of dry oatmeal. Stir. Enjoy.
Boiling water in a microwave with the oatmeal (only option when you have neither a tea kettle nor a measuring glass for liquids.) Stir prior to putting into microwave. Stir after pulling out of microwave. Cry over how terrible the oatmeal is in this manner. Repeat the next morning.
It's like eating...maggots. Boiling the oatmeal with the water allows for minimal taste of the oatmeal (maple & brown sugar? I have no recollection of that ever happening...)
If I were able to somehow squish all of the oatmeal together into a solid ball formation, I have not a doubt in my mind that it would bounce. I am actively eating rubberized maggots. Labeled as maple & brown sugar. WHAT IS PATRIOTIC ABOUT THAT?!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Summer means "free"
Literally.
Look it up. Summer, as defined by Merriam and Webster (please slap me when next you see me for the crime committed by doing this in a public forum) is "free". Well, maybe not really. But it is "...the season between summer and autumn comprising in the northern hemisphere usually the months of June, July, and August or as reckoned astronomically extending from the June solstice to the September equinox." If that doesn't spell freedom to you, you must be...Canadian.
Actually, I love Canadians. I don't know many Canadians, but the few I do know, I have enjoyed quite immensely.
Especially Canadian accents. What is more satisfying in life than a full-blown Canadian accent, rambling on about a spider covering a weather camera? Little brings me more joy.
Except perhaps summer and its little mysteries. Maybe mystery is the wrong choice of wording. Perhaps intricacies. Tiny details. Summer is filled with tiny details that regularly take my breath away. The sweat rolling down faces as A/C unit after A/C unit craps out in the middle of July, one sad ice cream cone after another losing their top scoop to August's beating rays, spiders invading backyards in hoards with murdering intensity. Nothing says summer beauty like each of the events.
Ah! But what really made me smile while driving home just the other night was something like this: tall grass overflowing onto the country road, filled with lightning bugs. Driving just fast enough past the grass to only catch each flash in a glimpse but not so fast to blur. It was almost as though the grass was glittering.
Have you ever seen glittering grass? Because I have. And it is freeing. Go outside tonight to look at the glittering grass. I dare you.
Yay DOMA being ruled unconstitutional! :)
Look it up. Summer, as defined by Merriam and Webster (please slap me when next you see me for the crime committed by doing this in a public forum) is "free". Well, maybe not really. But it is "...the season between summer and autumn comprising in the northern hemisphere usually the months of June, July, and August or as reckoned astronomically extending from the June solstice to the September equinox." If that doesn't spell freedom to you, you must be...Canadian.
Actually, I love Canadians. I don't know many Canadians, but the few I do know, I have enjoyed quite immensely.
Especially Canadian accents. What is more satisfying in life than a full-blown Canadian accent, rambling on about a spider covering a weather camera? Little brings me more joy.
Except perhaps summer and its little mysteries. Maybe mystery is the wrong choice of wording. Perhaps intricacies. Tiny details. Summer is filled with tiny details that regularly take my breath away. The sweat rolling down faces as A/C unit after A/C unit craps out in the middle of July, one sad ice cream cone after another losing their top scoop to August's beating rays, spiders invading backyards in hoards with murdering intensity. Nothing says summer beauty like each of the events.
Ah! But what really made me smile while driving home just the other night was something like this: tall grass overflowing onto the country road, filled with lightning bugs. Driving just fast enough past the grass to only catch each flash in a glimpse but not so fast to blur. It was almost as though the grass was glittering.
Have you ever seen glittering grass? Because I have. And it is freeing. Go outside tonight to look at the glittering grass. I dare you.
Yay DOMA being ruled unconstitutional! :)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Pinterest IRL
For those of you unfamiliar with the term, IRL means "in real life"
or it means "I roll leaves" (no illegal implication, I promise)
perhaps it means "Iris really likes" something. What does Iris like? It'd be like her own personal approval rating. You saw an IRL sticker somewhere? Iris liked it.
Getting down to business: why can Pinterest not exist in real life? How cool would it be to have a Pinterest IN YOUR HOUSE.
"How does this work?" you ask.
Easily!
Allow me to show you the Pinterest Closet, otherwise marketed as Pinterest IRL.
With the Pinterest Closet, anything and everything that has been pinned by the people you are following will immediately be available to you in this closet. Free of charge. (you can't pin pictures of money and expect them to show up. #aladdingenierules) One of the people you follow just pinned a super cute puppy picture! POP! There's a super cute puppy in your closet! And he doesn't even poop or pee! Just available for tons of cuddles! Perfection! Someone went crazy pinning scarves and skirts for the fall? GUESS WHAT. They're now in your Pinterest Closet! Pop pop pop pop pop pop! FREE! The Best 3 Ingredient Cookies Ever. IN YOUR CLOSET. Methods for organizing your desk. ORGANIZING MATERIALS IN YOUR CLOSET. The greatest glass cleaner ever. IN YOUR CLOSET. Pizza. IN YOUR CLOSET. Workouts to get rid of that pizza gut. IN YOUR CLOSET.
Woah woah woah. How can a *workout* be in my Pinterest Closet?
Don't question it.
I'm all for it. Keeps me from going out in public and confessing to people that I pin a lot of ridiculous things. And it keeps people from knowing just how much pizza I like to eat. <3
xoxoxo PizzaAddict4lyf
or it means "I roll leaves" (no illegal implication, I promise)
perhaps it means "Iris really likes" something. What does Iris like? It'd be like her own personal approval rating. You saw an IRL sticker somewhere? Iris liked it.
Getting down to business: why can Pinterest not exist in real life? How cool would it be to have a Pinterest IN YOUR HOUSE.
"How does this work?" you ask.
Easily!
Allow me to show you the Pinterest Closet, otherwise marketed as Pinterest IRL.
With the Pinterest Closet, anything and everything that has been pinned by the people you are following will immediately be available to you in this closet. Free of charge. (you can't pin pictures of money and expect them to show up. #aladdingenierules) One of the people you follow just pinned a super cute puppy picture! POP! There's a super cute puppy in your closet! And he doesn't even poop or pee! Just available for tons of cuddles! Perfection! Someone went crazy pinning scarves and skirts for the fall? GUESS WHAT. They're now in your Pinterest Closet! Pop pop pop pop pop pop! FREE! The Best 3 Ingredient Cookies Ever. IN YOUR CLOSET. Methods for organizing your desk. ORGANIZING MATERIALS IN YOUR CLOSET. The greatest glass cleaner ever. IN YOUR CLOSET. Pizza. IN YOUR CLOSET. Workouts to get rid of that pizza gut. IN YOUR CLOSET.
Woah woah woah. How can a *workout* be in my Pinterest Closet?
Don't question it.
I'm all for it. Keeps me from going out in public and confessing to people that I pin a lot of ridiculous things. And it keeps people from knowing just how much pizza I like to eat. <3
xoxoxo PizzaAddict4lyf
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