What Will Happen When I Grow Old

Singing in the shower this morning, naturally happened upon "64." Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?

I sincerely hope that when I'm 64, I'm not dependent upon others feeding me my meals. Society and life are changing drastically: 64 is the new 63. Such a difference, I know. But really, if I had to depend on others to feed me my meals at only 64, I'm thinking something in my life better be really messed up, and it better have been something that I could prevent happening.

When I'm old, I hope I'm a sassy sort of old lady. I need to be like a "Cool Runnings" lady. When I look in the mirror, I don't want to see old, wrinkled skin. I don't want to see gray hair. I don't want to see saggy boobs. I don't want to see enlarged knuckles from arthritis. I want to see PRIDE, I want to see POWER, I want to see a BAD ASS MOTHER WHO WON'T TAKE NO CRAP FROM NOBODY! I want to be the old lady on the street that everybody is afraid of, but once they get to know her, they love. And still secretly fear her.... I want a grouchy set of animals. I want a driveway that twists and threatens children from wandering too far back into my neck of the woods. I want a candy-cane fence, with a gumdrop sidewalk. I'm going to roast any children who find their way to my house. WAIT. NO. DON'T TURN ME IN! I'm kidding. Children aren't as tasty as you would expect. Slightly tart. Although, they do sit well with the cats.

I want to be an old lady that even parents don't want to mess with, yet shows up to every school function because I've been watching the children out of my window, making notes about their personality. I will take my Facebook creeping skills and convert them into real-life applications. Genius. I'll finally have some worth in the world! When the children ask how I know so much about them, I'll tell them the great history of social media. They'll love Mark Zuckerburg (or however you spell his name), and they'll chuckle at the idea of dating sites.

So, chillin's, you can put your dreams away for now. I am lost for some time. I get lost in my mind. The Head and the Heart will tell you that in one succinct package. Can I? Not legally without citing them. But, I would think that getting lost in your mind would involve getting lost in your dreams. Or maybe I'm thinking improperly? My old age is already beginning to show.

Bring it, 22. I'm ready for you and your sly ways.