Ode to Wasp

In the morning
When I wake up
Your bright shining face
Is the last thing
On my "to do" list.
Maybe the "to kill" list
But never the "I REALLY WANNA SEE YA RIGHT NOW GET YOUR SWEET SUGAR BOTTOM OVER HERE" list.

So when I was graced
By your ever so lovely presence
This morning, I knew it would be your last.
You've tortured me for a first and final time,
Mr. Wasp.
Not everyone can live forever
Certainly not you.

Is it a spider? Is it a fly?
NO.
It's a wasp. A freaking wasp.

Does it really serve any purpose?
Will it leave you alone if you leave it alone?
NO.
It's a motha freakin wasp.

It's a life sucker, a sleep robber
A bug spray whore
A heart starter.

I hate mornings
But I hate them even more
WHEN YOU'RE IN MY FACE.

The Importance of Turn Signals

Residents of Vista Way, this message is directed AT YOU.

I wish there were some way that I could tell security to punish everyone coming into Vista Way who is not using their turn signal. Tip off the police that if their quotas are really low, they should just sit at the entrance to Vista and fine EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO FAILS TO SIGNAL THEIR TURN. Using your turn signal is such a simple step to take. A flick of the wrist! Maybe just moving a finger over a little bit to initiate the turning of the signal! There are so many things wrong with Vista Way residents BUT THE ONE THAT IRKS ME THE MOST IS THE FAILURE TO KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

I mean, I suppose putting it like that is a bit broad. Because there are so many topics within this one issue that Vista Way residents commonly use with poor taste. For example, occulus reparo. Ahem:

• Turn signals
• Knowing how to use a 4-way stop
• Stopping completely at a stop sign
• Knowing right of way
• NOT BEING A JERK WHEN DRIVING BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL BE A JERK RIGHT BACK AND THEN WE'RE BOTH STUCK IN SITUATIONS NEITHER OF US LIKE.

Turn signals must be used:

• When entering the complex
• When exiting the complex
• When MOVING IN A DIRECTION OTHER THAN THE ONE YOU ARE CURRENTLY USING
• When turning into a parking spot when someone is close behind you 

Knowing how to use a 4-way stop IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE. Whoever arrived at the intersection first GETS TO LEAVE THE INTERSECTION FIRST. It's not a matter of "well I can take off faster than that car, so CLEARLY I get to leave first." No. F that. YOU GO IN THE ORDER OF ARRIVAL. It's not that hard. 

STOPPING COMPLETELY AT A STOP SIGN IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO. I know it's law to stop completely at a stop sign IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE. I am guilty of not stopping completely at each stop sign. I will admit. But if I am stopping completely at a stop sign when you are behind me, don't get all mad because it means you have to stop fully as well. Heaven forbid those few extra seconds make that big of a difference in your timing. 

Knowing right of way goes along with the 4-way stop issue. But it also expands into the ideal that when one car is supposed to stop before turning where as the other purely gets to turn, you should probably stop and think to yourself for a while. "By turning right here, am I going to cause harm to the person who is also trying to turn in here? Will they know what I'm doing without me having to scream it out the window?" Simple, understanding words tend to work best if screaming must be resorted to. BUT if everyone would just observe right of way, this would not be an issue. 

Lastly, if you feel I am moving too slowly for your taste and you have to make this quite evident by pulling up beside me, making inappropriate gestures at me, then trying to pass me, you best believe I will do everything in my power to see to you not passing me. Now you're mad and I'm satisfied knowing that I've made you mad. Your loss, my gain. JUST BE PATIENT AND AT LEAST GIVE ME TIME TO GET OUT OF YOUR WAY. 

If there were one thing I hope someone walks away from this remembering, it would be:

USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! 

Vista Way, it's on. 

Those Days When

You really don't feel like going to work. Like today. I could think of TONS of things I'd rather do than go to work.

I could go sky diving. Rocky Mountain Climbing. Bull riding. (song reference?) I could fly to Boston. I could take a bike ride in the Keys. I could sleep all day and become one with my sheets. I could go apple picking (time machine necessary.) I could go swim in the ocean and be eaten by a shark. Wait, scratch the latter half. I'd rather work than be eaten by a shark. Perhaps fish. I wouldn't mind fish nibbling on my toes. Is that something that I should admit to? Undetermined.

I would rather clean my room (which needs it desperately and will probably happen tonight.) I would rather clean my bathroom (which is also in need and will hopefully happen tonight.) I would rather go running outside as long as I had a means of hydration. I would rather be subjected to needle torture over a firey pit of doom. I would rather eat watermelons and tea with no other options FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I have faith in the fact that this summer is going to be superb. I don't want to just stay in one spot! I want to explore! And now, more than ever, I will have the flexibility to do so! Doldrums of summer, watch your back. You've met your match. I'm coming for you. I don't know when, where, or how, but I'll get you and your heat rays of death.

#thuglife.

The Joys of Sleeping Without Pants

And other simple pleasures that hurt only those who walk in on you when you have a wedgie in your sleep.

Not sure that there's anything else that falls under that category, but you get the point. Basically, anyone who has a major issue with what you're doing that you find enticing. Perhaps they've walked in on you while you're picking your nose. Some people like this. Maybe they've encountered you while you're in the middle of releasing large amounts of gas orally. Is this a relaxation technique? I personally cannot burp as a normal person would (at least, I'm not aware of my ability to do so) but I would imagine that it is highly relaxing and brings about a sense of peace with the world. Or maybe I'm wrong and it's just something to do so you can eat more, spend more money, etc.

But really, let's get to the real point at hand: sleeping without pants on. It's really only an issue if you have a roommate who directly shares your room (of which I have none anymore) or if you live with people who do not like to knock on the door. Again, I have none. Thus, pants free sleep. Has there ever been an activity so....liberating? I didn't think so either. Especially when it's a warm summer night in the middle of the spring. (Are we still in the middle of the spring? I think by this point we can probably classify it as the latter half of spring, by far.)

Tomorrow's activities: buy Zach's birthday present, try a new hairstyle, work. And sleep. But who doesn't love sleep? Especially liberating sleep.

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TODOS LAS GUSTAS!