I want to be Audrey Hepburn

What a classy lady.

I could hold baby deer, have gorgeous eyes, massive eyebrows that nobody could speak poorly of, and my nostrils would be large (I would be excessively conscious of this fact, but would keep my nose as is.) I would have perfect skin, a slender body, and oh so much class. I could carry around cats named Cat, wear them as a scarf, place random items in the refrigerator, shoot men in my fantasies, wear absolutely ballin' dresses only to be mistaken for Hungarian royalty, and look absolutely perfect in any and every occasion. I could be Holly Golightly. I could be Eliza Doolittle. 

Commercial break. Googled the names to make sure I was spelling them properly. Singer/songwriter Holly Golightly? Crazy pop artist Eliza Doolittle? What is this. Audrey Hepburn cannot be disgraced in such a manner. Audrey was a saint. Audrey had short hair. Audrey was perfection. You cannot possibly take her stage names and use them as your musical identities. I will not hear of it. Nor read of it. 

Listening to the soundtrack for "Breakfast at Tiffany's." "Moon River" should be my theme song. Not for the lyrics. But just for the melody. It's so melancholic yet uplifting. There's so much doom and hope coexisting and dancing together in the one song. I was singing the song at Walmart tonight and couldn't help but wish to move to New York. To find a random writer and enter his apartment only through his window. To be like Holly Golightly and not care a bit about the world around me. 

This gets me to thinking, what is the movie really about? I don't know how many times I've watched it. I love it. It's perfect for sick days, days when it's raining, days when you want to hold your cat close and promise to never let it out in the rain especially when one or both of you are feeling sick. If I could marry a movie, it would be "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Sure, there's more potential for hunk material in "Magic Mike" but I'd be missing out on Audrey Hepburn. This woman. 

I wish she were still alive. My pineapple wish would be to meet her. 

Honeycrisp Apples

Mmm. Yum. Today's goal at the grocery store (beyond buying artichokes, salmon, and other delicious items) was to try a zillion different types of apples.

I failed.

I only bought four.

Regahdless, yum. Mmm mmm mmm! I got one fuji apple, 1 jonagold apple, 2 gala apples, and 1 honeycrisp. I was planning to save the honeycrisp for last because people are constantly buying them at Walmart (we regularly sell out) so I know they have to be at least somewhat decent. But then, the worst happened.

The apple fell on the floor.

And the only way to solve this issue was to eat it. Right away.

So I did.

It was like the Fourth of July in my mouth. My tastebuds were rejoicing. My teeth were greeted with the most pleasant crunch, unlike so many other apples I have tried before.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you this breaking headline: RED DELICIOUS APPLES ARE ANYTHING BUT DELICIOUS. Thank you for your time. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

With the success of the honeycrisp apple, I am apprehensive to try anything else. But I must go forth in my mission! The world of similarly-colored, yet obviously different in taste, apples awaits!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But 4 different types of apple eaten by one person? #neverpayingmedicalbillsagain

A list of stuff I miss

1. Amish Friendship Bread. Why did we stop making this at my house? Why can we not make it soon? I request its presence at the family Christmas next month. If that means I have to make it...so be it. Come one, come all! Come Amish Friendship Bread!

2. Roller Coaster Tycoon. I wish I had the original for Macs. Like, seriously. Video games do not get any better than this. I promise you. Favorite past time in the game? Drowning people. "This ride looks too boring for me...I want to go home." "YOU WANT TO DROWN." Or burying them alive. That was also quite fun. Dig a really deep hole, make it so you could see through everything in the game, then watch as they fall deeper and deeper, eventually disappearing off the grid. No points against you for the person mysteriously disappearing (drowning hurt your park rating, as I recall.) "Guest 2013? I have no records of Guest 2013...you must be confused." Hours put into that game. Bring. It. Back.

3. Not having to buy gas. Let's be honest. I get pretty good gas mileage. My gas consumption compared to yours is probably pretty minimal. But still, ouch. If I didn't have to purchase gas, I would be able to purchase all of the ingredients for Amish Friendship Bread...all of the time. I wouldn't be able to get to the store to purchase said ingredients, but I sure as hell could afford them.

4. Being motivated to do homework. To do list: essay for health comm., essay for comm criticism, case study for organizational comm, study for an ASL test, solve all of the world's problems, etc. Looks like a good time to clean/organize my room!

5. Saturday morning cartoons. Actually, I don't miss this. But probably everyone else in my generation does, so I figured it belongs on here. Maybe? Don't hassle me, I'm local.

6. Recess. The show, the actual event at school. Having not been a very active child (or adult) recess meant a time to gossip on the jungle gym. It also meant feelings being smashed to smithereens if you lost at chicken on the parallel bars. Such is life.

7. Pokemon. I collected the cards. I knew the names of the various Pokemon. Did I play the game? Uhhhhh no. Did I watch the show? Negatory. I think I only collected the cards because everyone else was, plus I thought they were pretty. My first pack of cards, I got a holographic Charizard. Fuck yeah. Boss at the ripe age of 8. Dollar Tree purchase well spent.

8. Crooked teeth. Not that I really miss crooked teeth. But back then, I had crooked teeth because that was how they grew. Now, if I have crooked teeth, it's because I haven't been wearing my retainer properly (as I put in my retainer...) I'm constantly fearing that I'm not wearing my retainer enough and that my teeth are going to revert back to their abandoned tombstone state. Eek.

9. Writing horoscopes for the newspaper. Okay, so this wasn't that long ago. 4 years. But I still really miss telling everyone at school what horrible disease they were going to die of by the middle of the month. I am the new Trelawny. Deal with it.

10. Not feeling the need to go to ten items on a list. It would look sad otherwise.

I know there's more stuff, but "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" is just distracting me like mad.

I see your topic, and I raise you a challenge! [dyslexia]

Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again, here it goes again
I should've known, should've known, should've known again

Re: youtube. I don't know if you remember the first video you saw on youtube, but I do.

And it was not this video.

But I do love that video. If only I had some kind of coordinated movement... #whitegirldancinglikeafool

Actually, the first video I saw on youtube was the evolution of dance video. We watched it in my English class freshman year and I remember being fascinated by it. Not by the implication of videos reaching large numbers of people around the world, but by the humor of it all. I haven't watched the video since that first viewing in...2005? 2006? Probably 2006. Yes, definitely 2006. That class was EPIC. And I don't mean in the sense of I mean it in terms of "A long poem, typically one derived from ancient oral tradition, narrating the deeds and adventures of heroic or legendary figures or the history of a nation" I mean it in terms of "terribly awesome and I'll never ever ever get back together...with another class as great as it." Because English don't get much better than that there class. I'm not even going to bother posting the vidya, cause ya'll have search skills like mahself.

Ok Go was such an awesome band. Are they still together? I could easily look it up, but #toolazy.

Stay tuned until 1 for more breaking news! This has been Robin Scherbatsky: watch more How I Met Your Mother!

Snorting Cats

I swear cats can snort. Or at least, MY cat can snort.

It was a Saturday like any other Saturday. We were all gathered in the reading room, handling books without opening them. Any time that my mother rises from her seat, in comes the cat. She has a newfound fascination with our cushioned rocking chairs. Someone gets up? Within ten seconds, she has taken over the seat. My mom then removes her from the seat in a fashion causing the cat to hiss. I told her to be nicer when removing her, so in the most recent instance, she lifted instead of pushing off the edge. My cat made this sound that was...not a hiss, but rather a snort. I think my cat has been hanging around pigs, maybe? Definitely not a hiss.

Re: cats, because this is what my blog is primarily about, mail order cats. What a fascinating idea. Forget mail order brides, mail order groceries. Let's move forward in life and mail order our cats. I would imagine an order sheet to look something like this:

Name: LR
Date of Birth: 08/31/1990
Location: Indiana
Current No. of Cats in Possession: 1
Desired No. of Cats: As many as I can feed
Check off the following traits you desire of a cat
___ Independent
___ Loving
___ Fluffy
___ Snuggler
___ Lap dweller
___ Mouse hunter
___ Night owl
___ Excessively vocal
___ Performs tricks
___ Fetches toys
___ Manages to not hack up a million hairballs
___ Pudgy
___ Dough kneader
___ Pounces at ankles when walking by
___ Other All of the above, plz.

I mean, come on. Mail order cats. I may be the only buyer, but I sure would keep them in business.

On the same thought, my friends should expect cats as Christmas gifts this year. No big deal.

Looks like...

It's time to start blogging again.

I call this episode: forever alone...but not necessarily forever unhappy.

My older sister just got engaged today/tonight. Words cannot describe how elated I am for the two of them! Thrilled!!

My little sister is on a date with her boyfriend right now. Watching a Steel Magnolias remake with an all-black cast. What quirkiness. Gag me it's so cute.

And I...I sit at home, "chuffed to bits" that my cat does not hate me today. Right now. She does not hate me *right now*. I'm also pondering when I'm going to get raped. Not because I am convinced that I am going to get raped at some point in my life, or because I think that my raping is part of God's plan, but because someone on Pinterest posted tips for women on how to get rid of a rapist.

Excuse me?

Yes. Tips to women from rapists on what scared them off from potential victims.

How am I supposed to know that this article was not actually written by psychopaths who love raping women who fight back? Maybe this article is comprised of tips on how to get yourself a 100% guarantee raping. "It's fail-proof or your money back! Peace of mind returned at additional charge." Um...what? Yes. These are the things that I think of "tips" anyone gives to everyone. Other girls read these messages like "Oh yeah! That's a good point! I will absolutely remember this for the next time I'm getting raped" and I'm over here like "You know? I'll just keep eating pizza. Men don't rape girls who aren't hot and talk nonsense all the time..."

Re: not being forever unhappy.

I can create my own happiness. Nobody needs to do that for me. (Plus, I can always buy more cats. Shelters will love me once I have my own place.)