Snorting Cats

I swear cats can snort. Or at least, MY cat can snort.

It was a Saturday like any other Saturday. We were all gathered in the reading room, handling books without opening them. Any time that my mother rises from her seat, in comes the cat. She has a newfound fascination with our cushioned rocking chairs. Someone gets up? Within ten seconds, she has taken over the seat. My mom then removes her from the seat in a fashion causing the cat to hiss. I told her to be nicer when removing her, so in the most recent instance, she lifted instead of pushing off the edge. My cat made this sound that was...not a hiss, but rather a snort. I think my cat has been hanging around pigs, maybe? Definitely not a hiss.

Re: cats, because this is what my blog is primarily about, mail order cats. What a fascinating idea. Forget mail order brides, mail order groceries. Let's move forward in life and mail order our cats. I would imagine an order sheet to look something like this:

Name: LR
Date of Birth: 08/31/1990
Location: Indiana
Current No. of Cats in Possession: 1
Desired No. of Cats: As many as I can feed
Check off the following traits you desire of a cat
___ Independent
___ Loving
___ Fluffy
___ Snuggler
___ Lap dweller
___ Mouse hunter
___ Night owl
___ Excessively vocal
___ Performs tricks
___ Fetches toys
___ Manages to not hack up a million hairballs
___ Pudgy
___ Dough kneader
___ Pounces at ankles when walking by
___ Other All of the above, plz.

I mean, come on. Mail order cats. I may be the only buyer, but I sure would keep them in business.

On the same thought, my friends should expect cats as Christmas gifts this year. No big deal.

Ode to Wasp

In the morning
When I wake up
Your bright shining face
Is the last thing
On my "to do" list.
Maybe the "to kill" list
But never the "I REALLY WANNA SEE YA RIGHT NOW GET YOUR SWEET SUGAR BOTTOM OVER HERE" list.

So when I was graced
By your ever so lovely presence
This morning, I knew it would be your last.
You've tortured me for a first and final time,
Mr. Wasp.
Not everyone can live forever
Certainly not you.

Is it a spider? Is it a fly?
NO.
It's a wasp. A freaking wasp.

Does it really serve any purpose?
Will it leave you alone if you leave it alone?
NO.
It's a motha freakin wasp.

It's a life sucker, a sleep robber
A bug spray whore
A heart starter.

I hate mornings
But I hate them even more
WHEN YOU'RE IN MY FACE.