Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl's name was Shalandatiqua, but her friends called her Shalandati. [Her mother (rest her soul!), being the most important person in her life, called her Land. For the purpose of sparing letters from exhaustion, we shall refer to her as her mother (rest her soul!) would have preferred.] Land had one love in life: alphabetizing of VHS tapes in stores where she was not employed. A dying profession, you would accurately assume, but Land loved it nonetheless. Land would spend hours in Goodwill after Goodwill (heaven forbid she ever step into a Salvation Army), organizing each film by title, then rearrange by main actor, main actress, director, producer, etc.
One day when Land was visiting a Goodwill approximately 1 hour, 28 minutes, and 49 seconds from her house, she came across a problem.
Somebody else was already arranging the VHS tapes.
Land was perplexed. "Someone else shares my love for alphabetizing? Someone has figured out how I live my life and has set out to sabotage my happiness? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS OTHER PERSON?" Land spoke aloud in the store, reaching out to her mother (rest her soul!) "Mother (rest your soul!), I know not why this man is rearranging VHS tapes, but I will figure it out and I will not bring dishonor to our family name! I vow it or shall my life be ended!" Other customers in the store thought nothing of Land's crying-out to her mother (rest her soul!) because...they were in a Goodwill. (Everyone's a little off their rocker in a Goodwill.) (Yet we all visit them. We all delight in being a little crazy.)
She approached the man, who by this time, was 64% of the way through the VHS tape alphabetication (a new word to go down in the history books, because c is superior to z. February 17th, 2013: a date which will go down for no reason in particular.) "Excuse me, sir. But my name is Shalandatiqua. My friends call me Shalandati. My mother (rest her soul!) called me Land. You shall address me as 'The Queen.' You, scum of the Earth, are robbing me of my one passion in life. The activity which allows to me get out of bed each morning and put on matching socks. The one thing which connects me to the real world: my Energizer bunny. Do not bring dishonor to my family! Be gone from here before I put a house on you!"
The man snickered and was slow to respond to Land's declaration with an air of Oz.
"Land, 'The Queen,' I have not stolen your passion in life. I have not robbed you of the activity which allows you to get out of bed each morning and put on matching socks. I am not disconnecting you from the rest of the world, nor am I taking away your Energizer bunny. I will not bring dishonor to your family nor speak poorly of your mother (rest her soul!) I would hope that you would not summon a house to crush me, but if you must, I think you should first know something which may crumble your every idea of what is important in life."
Land had little patience for the man and hurried out, "And what would that be?" She was not in the mood to be toyed with (Toy Story did not belong next to An American Tale and Land knew this to be true.)
"This is Salvation Army. Goodwill was bought out two weeks ago."
Land joined her mother (rest her soul!) after minimal suffering from cardiac arrest.
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